Words. they are not sad, its the way they are arranged that makes them sad.
Words get pieced together to form a thought.. but if that thought changes then the words need to be reconfigured in such a way as to convey the new thought, feeling or idea. . [This is where Im at now]
I had a massive amount of words configured in an arrangement already… I never got the chance to complete it. We literally finished out our obligations with weddings and hopped on a plane to Alaska. Its strange how writing works. Words configured. When they come from the heart, even though it may not be obviously noted within the text, it has been time stamped. [the way it works: feelings are translated into words. the feelings come from a passing moment. once the moment is gone? thats it]
So I opened up and re-read the words I had placed together prior to our trip up to Alaska and although it was great, I couldnt pretend to get back into it. Trust me I really wanted to… that story was so much sweeter. Now, almost 10 days later, everything had changed. The plot thickened, truth revealed and anything I could write is from a faaaaaaaaaar different place. I cant pretend to be anywhere else but here and I really wish this story was anything but what it is now. Anyhow, I deleted the text that lay in this earlier draft and started over. I’ve determined the time to finish this is now… and there are so many other things I could be doing.. need to be doing. I have soooooooo much editing work waiting for me and a full inbox of new wedding inquiries, meetings to setup and shoots to confirm. We rushed back into CA and had a wedding tonight. Im exhausted but this needs to be finished to move on, if only for now.
Ugh, Pat. what can I say? I regret not speaking at the gathering of friends n family. You were a great man, generous and kind. I hadn’t known you as long as many have, nor as well as a few do. What I do know is that Im so grateful for the little time we did spend. I got a glimpse at what I felt was just the beginning of times and it leaves me just aching inside. Over the times we never had, times we were supposed to have. Camping trips with the kids up in Alaska, nights up playing guitar by the campfire, drinkin beers and bullshitting over fish we caught during that day, drinkin in dive bars, the years we still had left of late casino nights… I would have eventually gotten you to love baccarat, Pat, I know it. And what about my kids?? your grand-kids.. to get to know the man I knew, to laugh along with that laugh, enjoy your booming voice as it sings… their “papa alakka”
first expecting to wake up to find out its was only a vivid dream, it all feels wrong… I’ve now accepted that things are broken and unable to go back to how they were. Some things just cant be fixed. There were so many great pictures, laughs and memories that still needed to become.. I can almost see em. times that just never got to be. Is there such thing as fate/ destiny? I think so… Can you control it? Can it be changed? Undoubtedly… I have witnessed it happen. A life cut short. The unthinkable just became our reality. The story has been rewritten with the most unexpected and tragic ending. It’s heartbreaking. It’s disturbing. It wasn’t supposed to happen, not now, not, like this. It leaves all of us reflecting and as hurtful as it is, I can honestly tell you I will forever be grateful for the impression you left. As a son in law I felt I had really lucked out. I had a great guy that I truly looked forward to visiting with. Not the typical dreaded “in laws” situation. You were a thinker.. wise and calculated, I sought approval. After becoming a father myself it put it all into perspective and I understood it so clear, unconditional love for my daughter, the lengths I would go to in order to protect her, make her happy. I can’t even fathom abandoning her. As much as I want to promise her I will be always there… I know that I can only do it for so long, and when Im gone I can only hope she’ll have someone that will continue for me. I wanted to prove I was worthy of taking care of your little girl and loving her the way you would expect her to be… I hope you got that. You know that song you and Jess danced to at our wedding, well, I know you loved her first Pat… and I’m going to keep loving her. If you could see her now then you’d know she needs it now more than ever.
